How to Find People to Have a Threesome With
Log onto any dating app these days, and as you’re swiping through, you’re bound to happen across a couple or two who are “looking for a third.” I used to think this was only something I’d run into on Feeld, a dating app designed for more open relationship styles, but even on apps like Tinder, couples are looking for threesomes or triads or somewhere in between. Everyone seems to want a threesome.
This is often referred to as unicorn hunting, and it’s gotten a lot of negative attention lately. Unfortunately, when a couple is looking for someone to have a threesome (or more) with, they don’t always go about it in the most ethical way. The wants and needs of the third in the dynamic aren’t always considered the way they should be, and that’s definitely a problem.
Wanting to have a threesome isn’t bad — but there are right and wrong ways to go about it. I’ve talked to lots of people who have expressed that they’d love to have a threesome eventually, but they aren’t sure where to start. They have no idea how they’d go about finding the perfect threesome dynamic, and I think that problem has stumped a lot of people.
Whether you’re a couple looking to try group sex together (for the right reasons, I hope) or a single person who would love to give a threesome a try, there are ethical, respectful ways to find other people who are willing to go there with you, and all of them involve being upfront and honest about your intentions.
Friends
Sometimes, you don’t actually have to look very far to find what you’re looking for, and that can apply to threesomes. “But none of my friends are that sexually adventurous/would be willing to go there with me,” you might be saying to yourself right now. That’s entirely possible, but also, have you asked them? Do you know that for sure?
If you and your friends have that level of comfort and trust, try bringing up the subject in a casual, non-pushy way and see what they say. Their reactions may surprise you.
Pros: Having a threesome with a friend as opposed to a stranger brings a level of comfort to the dynamic. You already know them and have established trust. It can make the whole process a little easier to navigate.
Cons: Whenever sex is involved, there’s always the chance that it could make things awkward or even ruin a friendship if you’re not practicing effective communication, making sure everyone’s expectations are aligned, and respecting each other's boundaries. Before going there with your friends, you definitely need to make sure everyone’s cards are on the table.
Dates
If you’re someone who’s casually dating or practicing some form of non-monogamy, put some feelers out and see if the people you’re seeing also have an interest in pursuing a threesome. Obviously, just because three people are all interested in having a threesome doesn’t mean that dynamic will definitely work out, but still, you never know. The people you’re dating might also have people that they’re dating who could be interested, too. It’s a pool worth exploring.
Pros: The people you’re seeing are aware that you’re seeing multiple people, so broaching the subject of a threesome isn’t a huge stretch. Plus, since these are people you’re dating or people they’re dating, you know there’s attraction and chemistry happening in at least some direction, so it might be easier to find a dynamic that works.
Cons: The people you’re dating might not be into each other, or vice versa. That’s always a possibility in any scenario, though. Other than that, I can’t think of any real cons. In my opinion, this is a pretty solid option to pursue.
Sex parties
It might sound silly to look for people to have threesomes with at a sex party, which is already a group sex event. Why try to pursue a threesome if you’re having an orgy? Each kind of group sex has different things to offer, though, so just because you’re getting to experience going to a sex party doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly no longer have any desire to have a threesome. Every sexual experience is unique.
Everyone comes to sex parties for different reasons. In general, though, it’s a safe assumption that most people there have at least some kind of interest in group sex. That being said, if you hit it off with some people, exchange contact info and see where it goes. They may be down for all kinds of different experiences going forward, including threesomes.
Pros: Sex parties are group sex situations, so talking about threesomes with people you meet there should come pretty naturally and might not feel as taboo as in other situations. You’re also potentially able to get the feeling for if a threesome dynamic will work or not chemistry-wise since there’s already group sex happening.
Cons: It might feel difficult for some people to make connections that extend outside of the party. Also, it might be a little intimidating or feel silly to talk about having a threesome at a future time when there’s already group sex happening in the moment. Don’t stress too much about it though. If it feels natural, bring it up. Sex parties are usually pretty open, non-judgemental spaces, after all.
Dating apps
Currently, I think dating apps are the main way that people are searching for threesomes or triads or any kind of “third” situation. So much of the time, it’s not executed well. Sometimes just one person in the couple will swipe on their personal profile and then tell people after they’ve matched what they’re actually looking for. Sometimes a couple shares a profile but still isn't upfront with their matches about what they’re actually looking for. Sometimes there’s a power struggle between the couple that ends up affecting the third person. It can definitely be a bit of a mess.
It doesn’t have to be though. Dating apps can be a perfectly fine place to look for people to have a threesome with if that’s something you’re looking for. When I swipe through Feeld, I sometimes come across a single person who will say something on their profile like, “I would be down to have a threesome and I have a friend who might be interested if you’d be into that, if not that’s ok, too.” It lets people know that’s something they’d be open to and then gives them the space to decide for themselves. That’s how you do it.
If a couple is swiping together, as long as they’re completely upfront about what they’re looking for and don’t enact a bait and switch situation, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. The key is transparency. Let people know exactly what you’re looking for upfront. I think couples are sometimes afraid to be honest because they’re worried they won’t get any matches — but that’s better than matching with people on the basis of a lie.
Even if ultimately what you’re looking for on a dating app is a possible threesome, I think the key is to be open to all different possibilities and connections. Even if someone turns out not to be a great match for a threesome, they could be a great match for something else. Stay honest and open. That’s the key.
Pros: There’s a huge pool of people on dating apps, so statistically, there’s a higher chance that you’ll find someone whose wants and desires are aligned with yours.
Cons: There are definitely a lot of people who don't go about using dating apps to find threesomes the right way, so a lot of people may be deterred from giving you a chance because of their own bad experiences. Don’t let that tempt you into dishonesty though. Stay transparent, always.
Spontaneously
I know, I know. Spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment threesomes feel like a myth. Being out and about somewhere and you and two other people all hit it off and decide to have a threesome together right away? That’s the dream, and it feels like that’s exactly how it’ll stay. It is possible though. You could find yourself in a situation where everything is clicking, you’re able to communicate about it effectively, and it happens. Is it the most likely situation for a threesome? No, probably not. I had to throw it in here though because frankly, you just never know.
Pros: Spontaneous can be fun and exciting. You don’t know it’s going to happen beforehand so there’s less time for anxiety to build up about it. Plus, it’s really hot. Duh.
Cons: While spontaneous can be fun, it also means there’s less planning involved, which honestly, can be kind of crucial for successful threesomes.
It’s ok to want to have a threesome. Our sexual desires are valid. However, we shouldn’t throw ethics out the window just to try and make them happen. If there’s something we want sexually, we should go about it in a safe, communicative, transparent way, and this should apply to looking for partners for a threesome, too.
I know threesomes can sometimes feel like an impossible dream, but they're not. You can have that desire fulfilled. Just be honest and respectful, and you might be surprised with what you can achieve.