How to Rock Her World in Bed

Sex is weird. It’s one of those rare topics where we all know exactly what we want, but very few are willing to say it. Generally speaking, one person is walking away displeased and annoyed (insert woman here). While the other feels like everything was great (insert man here). So I’m here to represent all the women in stating what we want in bed:

1. We don’t like your “moves”

We know you think you’re the king of PornHub, but your moves are played out more than a top 5 billboard hit. Why are you the person making all the decisions on what we do and how we do it?

Meanwhile, you awkwardly flip us to positions that do nothing for us. The silence is not enjoyment. The fake sounds are simply being polite, you know, we do have manners. It’s equally as embarrassing for us to have to offend your manhood.

All the while we are now counting, “ One Mississippi, Two Mississippi” in our heads as we wait in eager anticipation for the end. We should all have an equal say in what we want here. The moral is, ask what we like, let us have an equal say in the play by play if you will. You might even learn a thing or two.. oops.

2. Kissing matters. (You might want to learn how to do that)

We’ve all been in an awkward kissing situation. One person is inserting a tongue while moving it to the tune of the alphabet. The other person is more or less “nibbling”, I’ll call it. No one is on the same page, especially the alphabet boy. I know you learned the “alphabet tongue mouth dance” from a Boy Meets World episode or maybe even Cheers per your generation- but stop. Just stop. Mutuality in kissing matters too. A bad kiss is a sign of more bad physical interactions to come.

3. Hey, douche, go to the gym

We wouldn’t mind if you went to the gym too. I am a “guy girl” and worked with mostly men for most of my career. I get the scoop. Most men have a request list for women that is a mile long. The request list goes something like: 90 % physical attribute request, and 10% of anything that should matter. That’s cool. I get it hot girls are hot. But let's be real: are YOU worthy of the hot girl? Dude, are you even hot? I hear you critiquing her body, “She’s too wide”, “She’s too big”, “She’s too flat”…and on we go. Excuse me, sir, have you looked in the mirror lately? When is the last time your fat ass made it to the gym? A little stamina in the bedroom wouldn’t kill you either.

4. Don’t overcompensate for your package

Your package. Where should I begin? The most relevant point here has to be there is no need to exaggerate in this department. I can’t tell you the numerous times I’ve heard stories about a guy bragging until the end. Sir, in about .5 seconds we're going to see there is no “anaconda” under those boxers. Now is the time to hope you’ve done everything else right so this matters less. The way you guys lie about your package is the same crime as women with extra padded bra. No one leaves happy.

7. Foreplay isn’t only in the bedroom

Men, why are you always ready to go right in for the kill? Why is your only skill relegated to “inserting”? Not cool fellas. Not cool at all. Foreplay does not have to be only the interactions that take place right before the “insert”. If you can master touch you may have mastered everything. There is little better than being at a table, sitting across from someone who can arouse you better than you’ve been aroused in bed.. right there in public. While you might not be able to rip our clothes off right then and there you can almost guarantee something steamy later.

8. Have sex with our minds first. Please and thank you

The best sex you’ve ever had wasn’t something that quickly happened at the moment. It did not start and end and that was that. The best sex of our lives always begins when the minds meet and find themselves pleasing each other first. By this, I mean, we don’t want to be treated like meat. We want more and the more makes the sex more fulfilling in all aspects. Find out how our day was. Find out what we like. Then show us you were listening. A good recall is an easy score. A happy woman makes a happy bedroom experience for you, and us!

9. Dance and sex are pretty similar

We aren’t looking for boy band-choreographed moves. However, please learn a basic two-step to the beat of a standard song in your girl’s favorite genre. When the beat hits and you should’ve moved to the left, but find yourself on an uptick to the right. Sir, that is not a good place to be. A basic step is on your most immediate to-do list. Bad dancing only foreshadows other bad moves to come.

10. Hey, fellas, it's not all about you

It's not all about your need to get laid. It's not all about your latest fantasy. It's about us too.