There are two basic categories of dirty talk — one, before the bedroom, to enhance the anticipation of the sex, and two, in the bedroom, to pump up the volume during coitus. Let’s deal with category one first, which can include texting and other forms of communication.

Tongue in cheek

I like a man who sends me a text at work saying something like, “What time are you getting off because I can’t wait for you to come?”

That is just laced with all kinds of profanity and yet if my boss saw it, it’s entirely G rated.

It’s nice when you’re at a party and your boyfriend whispers into your ear, “Are you ready to go soon? As you can see, I am.”

It’s nice for him to have a half erection pushing against his trousers when he says that. Fellas, if you don’t have a half erection, just grab a cucumber from the appetizer table and put it in your y-fronts.

Sexting

Say you’re both at a boring family gathering. Chinese New Year is coming up. You might find yourselves stuck at some family get together watching boring sitcoms or entertaining your relatives. Wouldn’t it be great to get a sext from across the room: “You look yummy, can’t wait to fuck you later.” You can reply, “I know that dinner was delicious, but save room. You’re going to be eating me later.”

It’s also super fun to send a picture of yourself topless with your nipples erected to him at the office, with the caption, “You bring out the worst in me.”

In the bedroom

I don’t know if all women are this way, but I really like to be praised as my lover undresses me. If you say to me, “You have the firmest tits,” or, “Oh my gosh the taste of your pussy, it’s like heaven,” I’m basically yours forever. I know, it’s so dumb. You could be lying, after all, but that never seems to occur to me — oh, vanity!

Then when he’s in me, I really like hearing, “Oh, god, I love fucking you so much.”

It just really relaxes, me, you know. Performance anxiety is not just for men, it must be said. Sure, women don’t have to achieve and maintain an erection, but we have doubts about our “actions” just like men do. So when a guy tells me how nice it is to have sex with me, I relax and get into this zone where I’m not self-conscious anymore. And it’s all the result of opening your mouth.

Sure, I like the strong silent type. I do like a strong male. But when a man uses his mouth in this way, communicating the arousal, I do get twice as aroused. Don’t keep it to yourself, boys!

You don’t have to be nasty

There are times when I do get nasty while having sex. “Oh yeah, fuck me, big boy, put that dick in me,” etc. I think guys like that.

But I have found success with more original, less pornographic exclamations. However, if you are inclined toward figurative language, you might find metaphor, simile and personification are brilliant devices for the bedroom.

Personifying the penis is something guys love because they often have nicknames for the little fella themselves, and treat the appendage like it’s some sort of pet.

“Hello, there, big fella,” I like to say to the penis, as I go down on a guy. “How’s your day been? Looks like you could use a little kiss. Maybe a little back rub? Does that feel good? Oh, what have we here, a couple of basketballs? Have you been shooting hoops? Mind if I play? I like to dribble.”

But being nasty is fine too

I know, we’re not all Nobel Prize-winning scientists, poets or piledrivers. Some of us need to be more direct in our sexy talk, and that’s absolutely wonderful too.

“Fuck me harder!” is a tried and true winner. As is “Put that big thing in me!”

Should you call her a whore?

Guys, you have to feel this out with your women, but half of them love being called “nasty slut” as they’re being banged. Be careful though, the other half hate it and there’s no way to tell which is which. The sweetest-seeming good girls, it turns out, sometimes really dig it. And the ho-iest looking skanks just get all righteous and angry, so good luck.

Keep this in mind when doing the dirty talk. It might not seem like we’re in a real free speech era, what with cancel culture and call-outs and cry-bullying and everybody’s outrage. But between two consenting adults, communication is part of the sexy. And if you do cross a line verbally you can always push rewind by saying sorry. As long as you’re not being secretly recorded you should be fine.

The mouth is a beautiful thing!